World War Weeb: Just Another Chapter in an Ancient Struggle

By Haruchai Ardenol

"Whose side are you on?" - Reza Najafi (almost certainly at some point in the past, even if, perhaps, under another context)

To many in New Eden, the recent clashing of pro and anti-weeb factions is a puzzling phenomenon. How could such seemingly innocent images of blue-haired girls in cat-ears become such an item of contention? Many are puzzled by this-- even those that are fervently devoted to the ideologically opposed #Team10 and #Team20 factions (a discussion of the respective factions is outside the scope of this article). In this article, I will attempt to share my insights, which were gained only through tens-of-minutes worth of intense research.

In keeping with the high journalistic standards of The Kinakka Chronicles, I pledge to only shed fair and balanced light upon the dark underbelly of weeb culture, it’s origins, and why it is bad, and why anime should be banned from all Discord servers and forums-- not just Waffles’. Before we get ahead of ourselves, for the benefit of those unfamiliar with the etymology of the terms, a little background is in order.

First-- what is a weeb, and why are they bad? It is not within the scope of this article to enumerate upon all of the shortcomings of weeb culture, but suffice it to say that the authority on such matters of high culture ( defines a weeb as a “one-syllable contraction of ‘weeaboo’, which is Internet for ‘wapanese’”. In other words, somebody that has misappropriated what they believe to be Japanese (ancient Earth nation) culture-- despite having no trace of Japanese ancestry.

In and of itself, admiration of foreign cultures is not an undesirable trait-- to a degree. In fact, an old cautionary tale tells of an ancient American Earth leader (whose name was quickly forgotten and stricken from history) who admired the neighboring culture to the south, and the great works that their immigrants had wrought in his country, so much that he built a high wall, the best wall, really (ask anyone), so that he could look upon the southern neighbor's splendor unobstructed, and ostensibly, direct more of them in the direction of his borders for a warm welcome. Little remains of historical text from that time, due to the unavoidable and nearly catastrophic nuclear holocaust that ended that leader’s reign, so the details may be off a little.

Anyway, the point is that in New Eden, at least in the most recent linguistic evolutions, a weeb has been taken to mean something slightly different, and perhaps even more sinister. Today, the common understanding is that a weeb is someone who sexually fetishizes the 2-dimensional images of arguably pre-pubescent girls in airline-passenger unworthy attire. While all people are free to pursue whatever kink overheats their blaster, the true offense is the unrestrained and ubiquitous dissemination of anime images in public places-- in particular the prototypical “catgirl” waifu (the weebs one true love).

Diametrically opposed to the weeb, we have, well, pretty much everyone else. This brings us to the current struggle for cultural dominance, and why I believe it is only the latest iteration in a much older struggle-- one that dates back to an ancient Earth civilization known as the “Egyptians”. Little is known of this most ancient of ancient cultures, other than that they lived in the desert, loved drawing anime in caves, and had human bodies and feline heads (see exhibit 1).

Exhibit 1 - an ancient Egyptian anime, believed to be the first waifu

Compare this to a much later version of essentially the same image:

Exhibit 2 - amirite?

Note the similarities. The sideways glance, as if to say “I see you, but not because I’m looking at you, because, why would I look at you?” The broken stick being held by Exhibit 1 and the broken sticks at the feet of Exhibit 2, symbolizing their utter disdain for male impotence (see “incel” definition for further insights on the potential link between anime and sexual prowess). Note the prominent positioning of the eyeball on the chest of Exhibit 1’s shirt, because, she knows what you are looking at, creeper.

The conclusion we can draw is self evident: the ancient Egyptian people invented anime, cat girls, and probably waifu as well.

From this realization, it is only a logical consequence that anime is a virus, and the waifu is the primary means of transmission. It is a virus of the mind, transmitted via sight, intended to make humans involuntarily celibate, so that a potential resurgence of cat-people could occur and overwhelm humanity. Take a moment to think about that, it’s pretty deep.

Back? Okay, now follow along-- the ancient Egyptian cat people invented anime, and the cat-girl waifu, in their image so that they could appear more human. So that they could appear to be less of a threat to actual humans, who must have hunted them to the point of extinction. Knowing that their days were numbered, they devised the anime virus, and transmitted it via memes carved into stone (when they weren’t otherwise occupied with other favorite cat activities such as lapping milk out of saucers, napping in sunbeams, or quietly staring at you with murder in their eyes) so that they could achieve an ungodly sort of immortality by way of unwitting observers throughout the ensuing millennia.

It is undeniable that this gambit worked as they intended, having caused some sort of tweenage, 2D, cat-eared female fetish in many of those that do not have the natural defenses against the virus (scientists believe having seen an actual woman naked inoculates those exposed from the effects of the virus-- and no, your mother doesn’t count, sorry. Well I mean, she counted for everyone but you. Speaking of which, tell her Haru said “hey”, but say it like you’d think I’d say it when it is in italics-- she loves that). For millennia, human after human has been exposed to the viral images of the Egyptian cat people, and it has affected their very behaviors in profound and unexpected ways. Don’t believe me? Ask anyone in Sniggwaffe how many “cat” doctrines have existed throughout the years. The answer is nobody knows-- there are that fucking many.

We stand, friends and countrymen, at the crux of what will be either humanity's ascension beyond the reach of the blight of the weeb, or humanity’s slow descent into disarray, sexual confusion, and ultimately, extinction. The fight is on, and the fate of humanity hangs in the balance.

So... whose side are you on?