By Tara Read
"Welcome To The Phage Fandom"
You know. Sometimes it's not easy being an outcast. A minority. An anthropomorphic phage. At first I never quite understood what shit like "yiff" and "owo" meant but I eventually embraced my inner virus. I started liking art of cute phages in human form. I even got art drawn of my "Phagesona" as some call it. I even began attending meets and eventually saved enough money from my divorce fund and drawing on my 401k to get a "Tarsuit". Now some of you may not know this, but sitting duct taped for several hours and being cut out of a duct taped dummy is akin to being reborn like a very fucking gay ass butterfly. Except my Suit was of my Avatar Sona.
I could finally be me. I went to cons, danced, I even found other Titans and hot Phages in suit. I was even invited to some private LARP parties and smoke filled rooms where I even let others dock inside me. There's nothing like firing a hot lance into someone's thermal exhaust port. One poor plebs was only two meters wide and he barely passed his parsec day on the 12th. Man what a hot lay that little minks was as I sucked his capacitor dry. That's what you get for having a Leviathan as a Sona. I think his name was Alex. Can't remember though.
For you see, anime isn’t just about masturabatory fantasies of obviously superior two dimensional catgirls, or the competition and dominance over 30-40 year old questionably human males as they argue over which animated girl is “best”. No, it’s so much more than that. Anime is a story telling medium, one capable of creating stories about tragedy, joy, triumph and the everpresent love between a man and another man via the genre of, ‘yaoi’.
But I digress. Everything was awesome! I had found a true calling filled with sex, public parties, anchoring, and even multiple partner docking. I could finally be me. But then it happened. Like those vampire fags on South Park who cramped the Goths style, the Weebs came. Like Bronies to Horse Furries they just trotted right in and took a steaming shit right on our fandom. Pretty soon those fucking Provi imposters with their "Amarr" roleplayers and stupid KOS lists labeling you as a Baka was too much even for a multidimensional trans accepting gold star Whole Foods member. They had triggered even me.
I decided to take a more radical approach. The radical religious sect known as the Blood Raiders appealed to me. I soon started praising a blood spattered cocaine fueled hot trap by the name of "Molok." Molok was a Tar like me but holy shit that devil could cap you out like no ones business. He even loved splattering tomato juice all over and was the best lancer I ever laid eyes on. We decided to take on those Provi Weebs. Their ways were no longer pure. They turned our fandom upside down. Eventually other Phage bros with sona's heeded our call. And even cooler some dudes who had food sona's started squirting their syrup all over these imposters! Who knew hot sticky sweet loads could clog egress ports? I happened to meet their leader. He had a few marks from past encounters with Weebs named Reza. Rumor was they took a Waffle Iron to his face...
The Weebs leader though happened to be some Samurai Jack looking mofo by the name of Jin. He always had a demand about needing T-14 Hyperdrives for his Hulk fleets but Reza always said his Republic Fleet Credits were worthless. I dunno who the hell this dude thought he was but he had some retarded Zarvox looking ponytail and always bowed at Noodle Shops. Who does that? He even convinced the other weebs to start carrying body pillows of their favorite game show host Waifu. Drew Carey? Serious??? Bob Barker motherfucker! Argh! These damn weebs just ruin everything which is why they gotta go back! We're already working on a barrier and eventually we'll just fuck all these damn weebs and send em back where they belong: High Sec. There is so much at stake in this new war. The Phage Fandom. Our way of life. Stopping the cancer that is Drew Carey jizz encrusted body pillows. Naruto belt heads at Hot Topic. These "Amarrian" Weeb roleplayers messed with the wrong fandom.